Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Really - What WOULD Jesus Do? Part 2

There's a letter spreading like fire in dry weeds among the politically conservative. You must see it if you haven't. It's titled: I Want A Divorce:
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al: We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable differences, and go on our own ways. Here is a model dissolution agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes. We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell (you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move them). We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms, greedy CEOs, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can make nice with Iran, Palestine, and France, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or way of life are under assault, we'll provide them job security. We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and over-sized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can find. You can give everyone health care, if you can find any practicing Doctors (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow to your turf (sic). We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World. We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty its best shot. Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our Flag. Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other like-minded patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need whose help in 15 years. Sincerely, John J. Wall Law Student and an American P.S. please take Barbra Streisand.
My first thought was: Sounds good! Where do I sign? The second was: Surely some impetuous liberal put this out on the Internet just to make conservatives look stupid. Something akin to Stephen Colbert's show. As I continued to exchange email with the friend who had forwarded the letter, our conversation meandered from, "Oh, my!" to, "Sounds like what Jesus would do." Apparently - we decided - the writer wants a divorce from Jesus. Under the proposal submitted by Mr. Wall, we "liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al." would be left, post divorce, with the following: A system in which the rich take care of the poor. Jesus likes that (Luke 18:18-23). No firearms - no violence for violence. That's cool with Jesus (Matthew 5:38-42). No greed. Very cool with Jesus (Matthew 6:19-21). A love for the homeless, homeboys, hippies, aliens. Yep (Matthew 9:10-13). Making peace and being blessed. Check (Matthew 5:9). Less entitlement to the world's natural resources. Jesus is on it (Matthew 23:25). Health care for the poor (not just another luxury for the rich). Um, yes (Luke 14:13-14). Mindfulness of the language we use in our patriotic discourses. Certainly (Matthew 12:36-37). Food, clothing, and shelter for the least fortunate among us. Surprise, Jesus is for it (Matthew 25:39-40)! And, Barbara Streisand, Jane Fonda, Joan Baez, Bono... all welcome (Luke 19: 5-9)! Of course under Jesus' plan we'd also have to consider custody of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Dick Cheney...(John 13:34, Luke 6:27-28). Really. Yikes. Peace.

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